Four ways to look after yourself as a parent or carer

Parenting can be one of the most rewarding and joyous experiences, whilst also bringing demands and challenges that can leave us feeling overwhelmed, out of our depth and burnt out. It can feel like being on a rollercoaster with ups and downs, or like an avalanche with everything hitting us all at once. As caregivers, we can put the needs of those we care for before our own, which can lead to our own wellbeing suffering.

Becoming a new mum was one of the most magical moments of my life, yet soon the sleepless nights, worry and comparison to others took a toll on my mental health. I began relying on reassurance from others rather than trusting my instincts, which escalated my anxiety. 

It took a while for me to realise the need for support and to understand how my stress was impacting my relationship with my child. I wasn’t alone in this: more than one in ten women develop a mental illness during pregnancy or within the first year after having a baby.

It may not be anxiety that arises, but whether it’s managing our own stress or supporting a struggling child, it’s natural to lose track of our needs. When caring for a child who is struggling – as a result of neurodevelopmental disorders, mental health difficulties, or other challenges – caregivers can often face emotional strain, limited support, a sense of isolation and, at times, stigma. These pressures can lead to increased levels of stress and mental health difficulties. 

Supporting ourselves as a parent or carer:

Prioritising our mental health and wellbeing can help to enhance our sense of wellbeing and support our child’s wellbeing. We can do this by recognising signs of stress and overwhelm, reflecting on our own needs, learning regulation tools, prioritising self-care and developing self-compassion:

Understanding our own stress response:

When stressed, our bodies release adrenaline and cortisol, triggering a "fight, flight, freeze, or shut down" response. Dr Dan Siegel’s concept of “flipping our lids” describes how stress activates the brain’s alarm system (the amygdala) to react, disconnecting the rational ‘thinking’ part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) which helps us to regulate, make decisions and problem solve. 

Thinking clearly, reflecting, or controlling our reactions can therefore become a challenge. It takes around 25 years for this part of the brain to develop fully (varying for some) so it can be helpful to remember this when supporting a child.

By becoming aware of our stress response, we can begin to manage it. For example, noticing our own physical signs of stress—such as tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, or tense muscles—helps us to pause before reacting. Taking a moment to breathe, move, or distract ourselves (these are some examples of regulation tools) can help us “bring our lid down” and respond more calmly.

Try asking yourself these questions, when you notice sensations rising:

• What do I feel, and where do I feel it?
• What do I need right now? (for example a walk, a glass of water, a few minutes to relax, to walk away)

Self-Care

Self-care doesn’t need to be complicated or time-consuming. It’s about finding ways to relax and recharge. Simple activities like having a warm drink, connecting to our breath, reading, listening to music, or engaging in physical activity can help us to feel more balanced.

To make self-care part of your routine, consider using structured tools like the Charlie Waller Wellbeing Action Plan, or referring to models such as the 5 Ways to Wellbeing or the PERMA model developed by Martin Seligman, which offer evidence-based approaches to supporting wellbeing.

Self-compassion

Dr. Kristen Neff emphasises the importance of self-compassion—being kind and understanding to ourselves. Accepting we are all human and have imperfections, whilst being mindful, can help us reframe the unhelpful thoughts and improve wellbeing. Even when emotions run high and we flip our lids, there is always time to repair with our loved ones, as described by psychologist Becky Kennedy. Instead of being harsh on ourselves, we can ask: “What would I say to a friend who is going through the same thing?”

Reaching out and building a support network

When feeling overwhelmed, reaching out for support can make a big difference. Seeking help allowed me to become a calmer and more stable parent (most of the time!). Consider who in your life can offer support, whether it’s helping with childcare, running errands or being someone who listens non-judgementally.

Support networks and programmes like our PLACE network and our New Maudsley Carer Skills Workshops for those supporting a loved one with an eating disorder provide caregivers the opportunity to connect with others facing similar challenges. Reaching out to professionals, such as a GP, can also help you to access local resources and services (such as Talking Therapies,) that may be beneficial.

Parenting isn’t always easy and if we can look after ourselves and remember how valuable we are, everyone can benefit.  

Resources and Links:

Mindful Emotion Coaching provides trauma informed, practical, everyday strategies to improve emotional awareness and build resilience in adults supporting children.

Family Action and Family Rights Group  offer a range of practical and emotional support for parents

Family Lives offering online parenting courses and advice videos, among other support for parents

Mind (UK) offers a wealth of information and practical strategies on managing stress and mental health as a caregiver: www.mind.org.uk 

Home-Start helps families with younger children support through difficult times, including home visits from trained volunteers, group support and help getting local services

The Centre on the Developing Child at Harvard University provides research-backed insights on child development and how caregivers can foster resilient, responsive relationships:developingchild.harvard.edu

NSPCC Parenting Support: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-we-do/support-for-parents/. Offers a range of tools and videos supporting child development and responsive parenting.

Gingerbread offers support and advice for single parents

YoungMinds (UK) has a variety of resources to support both parents and young people through difficult times: www.youngminds.org.uk

References

• Community Mental Health Journal (2021) 57:1537–1546 https://doi.org/10.1007/s10597-021-00774-0
• Hansen, A.S., Telléus, G.K., Mohr-Jensen, C. et al.Parent-perceived barriers to accessing services for their child’s mental health problems. Child Adolesc Psychiatry Ment Health15, 4 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1186/s13034-021-00357-7
• Kennedy, B. (2022, April). The single most important parenting strategy[Video]. TED. https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy
• Neff, Kristin D. What is Self-Compassion?Self-Compassion, https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/.
• Pottie, C. G., Ingram, C. P., & McDougall, P. (2013). Parenting stress, stigma, and mental health in parents of children with disabilities. Canadian Journal of Community Mental Health, 32(1), 1-18.
• Mums' Mental Health. Maltesers, https://www.maltesers.co.uk/mums-mental-health.
• Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Disease, and Coping. Holt Paperbacks.
• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. The Guilford Press.
• Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Delacorte Press.
• Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being. Free Press.
• Waller, C. (2021). Charlie Waller Wellbeing Action Plan: A Practical Guide for Parents and Carers. Charlie Waller Trust.